Chapter 33: Resurrection

in which I'm back.

In my last post, I thought it would be easy to come back from the dead, administratively spoken. I was wrong. Nothing is easy in infernal bureaucracy. Shortly after my last post, the formal error on my death certificate was corrected - surprisingly fast - and it took me three months to convince administration that I was alife.

Besides this trip through administrative hell, other things have changed. I've a new boss, a fat cow-horned smelly demon. He doesn't care that I don't know anything about temptation yet and wants "restults, results, results". Being dead didn't mean that I hadn't to come to work - it only meant that I hadn't the right to take a day off. Every week my boss wants a report about what I did for pushing souls nearer to hell, and a schedule for the week to come. My cotempters are much more experienced than me, so I'm the only one who doesn't bring a whole soul down every once a while. Of course, nobody helps me, and the boss takes pleasure from humiliating me in front of others, often with nicknames like "No-souler" or "Angel". I'm sure this won't change until I bring a sowl down to hell.

If only I knew how to do that...

Chapter 32: Paperwork

In which I am officially dead.

You may have wondered where I've been the past ten days. Well, my hellphone and internet connection has been disabled. The reason: I was dead - from an administrative point of view.

What had happened was the following : After my summons, Inquisition had sent a copy of my death sentence to Demonic Ressources, with the scheduled date of the execution. As the note had arrived after the date, DR had considered me as dead and had issued a death certificate. This is a standard procedure, as things like reprieve or pardon don't exist in hell - theoretically. Copies of the certificate had then be sent to all other concerned authorities, from my superiors over my bank to the hellphone and internet provider. Can you imagine the paperwork it requires to have all this nullified?

My internet connection was, of course, the least of my problems. My bank accounts were frozen, my room declared vacant, my mail was sent back and my ID card was no longer active. As communication by mail or email was not possible, I had to go personally to R&D to have the death certificate nullified. The problem was, to appeal against the certificate, I had to file an administrative appeal. Now, when an infernal authority receives an appeal, first thing they do is to verify the identity of the sender. In this case, the sender was officially dead, so they would not even read the appeal. So, I couldn't appeal the fact that I was officially dead - because I was officially dead.

Plus, the clerks I disputed with were not really cooperative. They saw me, living and talking and rather angry, yet they insisted that I was officially dead. Or that I wasn't who I pretehded to be, as this guy was officially dead. It took me days of discussion and a fortune of bribe money to squeeze a helpful information: The authorities verify if the sender was alife the day he filed the appeal. In consequence, if I backdated the appeal to a date when I was still officially alife, the appeal was not refused.

There was only one date I could put on the appeal which would not lead to an automatical refusal: The very date of my official death. Any date before, and the appeal was considered invalid (as it was written before the document it contested), any date after, and I was considered invalid. Of course, I still had to find a reason why I contested the death certificate. "Here I am, writing to you and feeling fine" was not a valid reason, from an administrative point of view. I had to find a formal defect. Luckily due to my experience in accountance, I found one: The date on the death certificate was written in the order day/month/year, but a year ago, corporate had issued an order that all official papers had to respect the format month/day/year. That was the reason why I considered my death certificate invalid, officially.

And, believe me or not,  it worked. Today I got a letter that I am, for the time being, not dead, until rectification of the formal defect. Of course, this alone does not solve the problem - as soon as they issued a rectified death certificate with day and month written in the correct order, I will have the same problem. But now that I am provisorly alife, I can do the necessary administrative steps to prove to the authorities that I have never been executed, actually. I've still a lot of paperwork before me, but I am out of this deadlock situation.

Plus, I've the net again. Yay !

Chapter 31: Fifth Circle

In which I am a tourist in hell.

I've decided to stay some days down here in 5th. It's an interesting place, at least more interesting than 2nd where I come from.

To set the context, let me first explain the topography of Hell. The "floors" schema I posted earlier is somewhat simplified. Hell reminds, in fact, a giant funnel. The circles of Hell are concentric rings:

Each cercle is deeper than the preceding ones, except 5th and 6th which are almost on the same level, but separated by the Walls of Dis:

The city of Dis is, properly spoken, the 6th Circle and everything below, in other words, the lower hell.  It is extremely hot, that's why it's also called the Burning City. It is surrounded by the river Styx which i crossed when I wrote my last entry.

Since the visit of Dante Alighieri, the circles have been mordernized. In the old time, the wrathful and slothful souls were tortured in the swamp-like water of the Styx. Since then, the river has been canalized and crosses several Torture Centers, not unlike terrestrial purification plants, where souls are tortured in a more industrial manner.

At the opposite side of the Circle, we find the administrative district with contains, among others, the Local Souls Office. Next to the Administrative District are the research facilities, large buildings where thousands of scientist demons research new temptation and torture methods.

The walls of Dis are impressive, huge walls with giant towers, a symbolic stronghold of evil. They haven't been much modernized, as their value is symbolic, and the older a symbol is, the more powerful.

Behind the walls lies the 6th Circle, the Circle where I had been judged and imprisoned. I didn't feel like sightseeing in this zone. It's general impression is that of a city with lots of spires. Dante thought they were minarets, but this is, of course, nonsense - of course there are no mosques in hell, as they are no churches. The spires are, in fact, watchtowers, from which Inquisition watches out - symbolically - for heretics. As you might remember, symbols are important down here in hell.

Alltogether, it's the most interesting and impressive place in Hell I've seen so far. I don't know if a human would consider it "beautiful", as the concept of beauty is still somewhat unclear to me.

I think I'll still stay one or two days before coming back. My superiors won't miss me, they probably think I'm dead. Which would be the case, if it wasn't for my mysterious "friend"...

Chapter 30: Alife!

In which I cross the River of the Dead back to life.

I'm alife! Don't ask me what happened - I've no idea. The guards who came to my cell didn't bring me to the dogs pit, but to the prison door where I was released without any explanation. Maybe it's an intervention of my mysterious "friend" (see  Chapter 25).

I was eager to leave the 6th so I went on my way back. The Fallen Angels who guard the Wall of Dis were no problem, after a short look into my papers they let me go. I'm writing those lines in the ferry boat across the river Styx. Phlegyas, the ferryman, is a quiet guy. I had to wait for the ferry - Phlegyas is much busier that his collegue Charon who plies the Acheron between 1st and Reception Area, as there is no Downway between 5th and 6th. I've no idea how he manages all the traffic all alone.

When I'm on the other side, I just have to get to Styx Terminal to take the Downway upwards towards 2nd. I hope I'll not be sent immediately back to Earth, I need some rest.

Or maybe I could do some sightseeing in fifth - I've never been deeper than 4th in my life. On the other side, sightseeing in Hell can be a dangerous thing... We'll see.

Chapter 29: De profundis

In which I am waiting for becoming dog's food.

One day has passed since my death sentence, but I'm not yet dead. However, it won't take long. In some hours - or minutes, who knows - they will come. Faceless myrmidons who will bring me to the place where I will be devoured by hellhounds. 

 

Being devoured is a common punishment in hell. It's kind of recycling. Depending on who devours you, it may even be a honourful death. But I'm a heretic, no demon would stoop to devoiring me - so I will become hellhound food. What a pathetic end.

 

I hear steps on the floor. They are coming. I guess this will be my last entry.