Chapter 32: Paperwork

In which I am officially dead.

You may have wondered where I've been the past ten days. Well, my hellphone and internet connection has been disabled. The reason: I was dead - from an administrative point of view.

What had happened was the following : After my summons, Inquisition had sent a copy of my death sentence to Demonic Ressources, with the scheduled date of the execution. As the note had arrived after the date, DR had considered me as dead and had issued a death certificate. This is a standard procedure, as things like reprieve or pardon don't exist in hell - theoretically. Copies of the certificate had then be sent to all other concerned authorities, from my superiors over my bank to the hellphone and internet provider. Can you imagine the paperwork it requires to have all this nullified?

My internet connection was, of course, the least of my problems. My bank accounts were frozen, my room declared vacant, my mail was sent back and my ID card was no longer active. As communication by mail or email was not possible, I had to go personally to R&D to have the death certificate nullified. The problem was, to appeal against the certificate, I had to file an administrative appeal. Now, when an infernal authority receives an appeal, first thing they do is to verify the identity of the sender. In this case, the sender was officially dead, so they would not even read the appeal. So, I couldn't appeal the fact that I was officially dead - because I was officially dead.

Plus, the clerks I disputed with were not really cooperative. They saw me, living and talking and rather angry, yet they insisted that I was officially dead. Or that I wasn't who I pretehded to be, as this guy was officially dead. It took me days of discussion and a fortune of bribe money to squeeze a helpful information: The authorities verify if the sender was alife the day he filed the appeal. In consequence, if I backdated the appeal to a date when I was still officially alife, the appeal was not refused.

There was only one date I could put on the appeal which would not lead to an automatical refusal: The very date of my official death. Any date before, and the appeal was considered invalid (as it was written before the document it contested), any date after, and I was considered invalid. Of course, I still had to find a reason why I contested the death certificate. "Here I am, writing to you and feeling fine" was not a valid reason, from an administrative point of view. I had to find a formal defect. Luckily due to my experience in accountance, I found one: The date on the death certificate was written in the order day/month/year, but a year ago, corporate had issued an order that all official papers had to respect the format month/day/year. That was the reason why I considered my death certificate invalid, officially.

And, believe me or not,  it worked. Today I got a letter that I am, for the time being, not dead, until rectification of the formal defect. Of course, this alone does not solve the problem - as soon as they issued a rectified death certificate with day and month written in the correct order, I will have the same problem. But now that I am provisorly alife, I can do the necessary administrative steps to prove to the authorities that I have never been executed, actually. I've still a lot of paperwork before me, but I am out of this deadlock situation.

Plus, I've the net again. Yay !

Chapter 31: Fifth Circle

In which I am a tourist in hell.

I've decided to stay some days down here in 5th. It's an interesting place, at least more interesting than 2nd where I come from.

To set the context, let me first explain the topography of Hell. The "floors" schema I posted earlier is somewhat simplified. Hell reminds, in fact, a giant funnel. The circles of Hell are concentric rings:

Each cercle is deeper than the preceding ones, except 5th and 6th which are almost on the same level, but separated by the Walls of Dis:

The city of Dis is, properly spoken, the 6th Circle and everything below, in other words, the lower hell.  It is extremely hot, that's why it's also called the Burning City. It is surrounded by the river Styx which i crossed when I wrote my last entry.

Since the visit of Dante Alighieri, the circles have been mordernized. In the old time, the wrathful and slothful souls were tortured in the swamp-like water of the Styx. Since then, the river has been canalized and crosses several Torture Centers, not unlike terrestrial purification plants, where souls are tortured in a more industrial manner.

At the opposite side of the Circle, we find the administrative district with contains, among others, the Local Souls Office. Next to the Administrative District are the research facilities, large buildings where thousands of scientist demons research new temptation and torture methods.

The walls of Dis are impressive, huge walls with giant towers, a symbolic stronghold of evil. They haven't been much modernized, as their value is symbolic, and the older a symbol is, the more powerful.

Behind the walls lies the 6th Circle, the Circle where I had been judged and imprisoned. I didn't feel like sightseeing in this zone. It's general impression is that of a city with lots of spires. Dante thought they were minarets, but this is, of course, nonsense - of course there are no mosques in hell, as they are no churches. The spires are, in fact, watchtowers, from which Inquisition watches out - symbolically - for heretics. As you might remember, symbols are important down here in hell.

Alltogether, it's the most interesting and impressive place in Hell I've seen so far. I don't know if a human would consider it "beautiful", as the concept of beauty is still somewhat unclear to me.

I think I'll still stay one or two days before coming back. My superiors won't miss me, they probably think I'm dead. Which would be the case, if it wasn't for my mysterious "friend"...

Chapter 30: Alife!

In which I cross the River of the Dead back to life.

I'm alife! Don't ask me what happened - I've no idea. The guards who came to my cell didn't bring me to the dogs pit, but to the prison door where I was released without any explanation. Maybe it's an intervention of my mysterious "friend" (see  Chapter 25).

I was eager to leave the 6th so I went on my way back. The Fallen Angels who guard the Wall of Dis were no problem, after a short look into my papers they let me go. I'm writing those lines in the ferry boat across the river Styx. Phlegyas, the ferryman, is a quiet guy. I had to wait for the ferry - Phlegyas is much busier that his collegue Charon who plies the Acheron between 1st and Reception Area, as there is no Downway between 5th and 6th. I've no idea how he manages all the traffic all alone.

When I'm on the other side, I just have to get to Styx Terminal to take the Downway upwards towards 2nd. I hope I'll not be sent immediately back to Earth, I need some rest.

Or maybe I could do some sightseeing in fifth - I've never been deeper than 4th in my life. On the other side, sightseeing in Hell can be a dangerous thing... We'll see.

Chapter 29: De profundis

In which I am waiting for becoming dog's food.

One day has passed since my death sentence, but I'm not yet dead. However, it won't take long. In some hours - or minutes, who knows - they will come. Faceless myrmidons who will bring me to the place where I will be devoured by hellhounds. 

 

Being devoured is a common punishment in hell. It's kind of recycling. Depending on who devours you, it may even be a honourful death. But I'm a heretic, no demon would stoop to devoiring me - so I will become hellhound food. What a pathetic end.

 

I hear steps on the floor. They are coming. I guess this will be my last entry.

Chapter 28: In Jail

In which I face an inquisitional court and am punished for my own stupidity.

I'm writing this post from an oubliette somewhere in 6th cercle. The summons yesterday was very short. The inquisitional court consisted of a magistrate - judge and accuser in one person - and two assessors.

 

 

First, the magistrate read the accusation: "Fraternization with humans by promise of favours". From this mmoment on I knew that I was doomed. In a hell trial, the guilt and the judgement are determined from the beginning, the trial is only a demonstration of justice. In this case, the demonstration was very short: One of the assessors read the text of the favour voucher for Divine Light - the name was certainly not an aspect in my favour - then the other assessor allowed me to defend myself. I stuttered something about too short formation as tempter and the necessity of knowing the humans' customs - but after some sentences the magistrate raised the hand to command silence. 

 

Then I made an error. The first assessor said that I'm obviously guilty, but that the sentence will depend on my cooperation. He asked me if I knew a demon who had committed some kind of heresy. The Old Librarian came to my mind - he had helped me without demanding anything in return, which was a severe violation of the principles of hell. Denouncing him would certainly reduce my punishment - the more trouble he gets, the less I suffer. 1st Dogma. 

 

But something happened inside me at this moment. I don't know what, but I heared myself say "No, I don't know any heretic." When I realized what I had said, it was too late - I wanted to correct myself, yell "No, I know someone, the old librarian..." but the magistrate ordered me, again, to remain silent. Too late. Too fucking late. I was doomed.

 

After a minute of silence, the magistrate spoke the sentence: Being devoured alife by hellhounds. The execution will take place within 24 hours. The court was closed.

Chapter 27: Going Down

In which I am in a vertical train.

I have to appear in 6th Circle in some hours, for my summons. I'm writing these lines in the Downway, the infernal transport system. You can imagine it as something between a subway, a rack railway and an elevator:

 

 The downway ends at Styx Terminal in 5th. Everything below 5th Circle belongs to the security zone known as the "City of Dis", it's not accessible by Downway. I will have to cross the river Styx and to enter the gate of the Walls of Dis to get to my summons. I hope the Fallen Angels who guard the gate won't cause any trouble.

Yesterday evening I spoke to the old librarian and told him about my trouble - not that I consider him a friend, but he already helped me before, and I thought he might give me again some useful hints. And he did - don't ask me why. He said my best defense strategy would be to blame my superiors for not preparing me for reality. Corporate requires that a tempter gets at least one year of education before being sent to Earth. It seems that my unprepared mission on Earth was due to some administrative error. The idea is simple: The more trouble I cause to my superiors by denouncing them, the less trouble remains for myself, due to the first Dogma of Hell. 

But he also warned me that a summons by a court of Inquisition is never a piece of cake. Usually the sentence is clear from the beginning, the procedure's purpose is only to justify it. If the Inquisitor in charge wants to punish me, he will do so, no matter what defense I have. 

I'm scared. I'm writing this on my hellphone, but I don't know whether I have access to my blog when I'm inside Dis; And I don't know whether I will ever come out or if I will be devoured or pass the rest of eternity in some torture chamber or oubliette. If I'm unlucky this will be my last post. 

But who knows...  

Intermezzo: Map of Hell

My summons is tomorrow. I'm too nervous to do any research on Earth, let alone to write about it, so I'll post you a map of Hell, more detailed than the one on the right border, like the "you are here" maps you see everywhere down here:

 

Black zones are souls areas, red is administration, green is Inquisition. Departments are usually located in one circle, except "Souls Administration" which has its HQ in 4th, but also a "Local Souls Office" in each circle from 2nd downwards. The LSOs administrate the souls tortured in the different circles, according to their sins. I, for example, worked in LSO of 2nd before becoming a tempter.

You also see various security barriers: Thwo rivers (Acheron and Styx), a security wall, an abyss, and the giant security guards which protect the executive office. I've never been below the Styx, so this will be a premiere tomorrow.  Wish me luck...

Chapter 25: On the PO Watchlist

Where I discover that I may have a "friend" deep down in Hell.

I just got a comment on my last blog entry:

Beware. Your blog is being watched by the PO.

A friend

In case you didn't guess it, "PO" means "Political Office". Apparently this blog is on the inquisitional watchlist - a list of supposedly dangerous infernal publications, journals, mail accounts etc. to be monitored.

Now, that's interesting. I didn't know that my little blog was considered dangerous. If I weren't so affraid by the consequences, I would almost feel honoured.

Considering this, I think I know what the summons for "Fraternization" is about: On September 8, I posted a favour voucher - also known as "Thank" - for a certain human nicknamed Divine Light. I doubt that it's the celestial name that caused the trouble, but the act of thanking. It may be considered heresy. For the record, nobody had warned me about it - if you remember, my formation as tempter was quasi non-existent.

Now, I wonder who was the demon who warned me. He (or she) signed "A friend". Now there are no such things as friends in Hell - everybody is on his own. Friendship is certainly heresy down here - a violation of the First Dogma. Furthermore, he knows that I'm on the Watchlist, so he must have a rather deep position to get such information. Somebody in Sixth Circle, if not deeper. A demon who made it this deep would certainly not warn a small demon like me, unless it's in his own interest. Probably I'm just a pawn in his play.

Honestly, I don't know who I'm more afraid of: Inquisition - or my "friend".

Chapter 24: On trouble

In which I get a letter from Inquisition.

Bad news: I've just received a summons to Sixth Circle. The letter informs me that a legal proceeding has been started against me and that I am to appear in C6, room 298812, on next Judasday. It's signed with the most dreaded symbol in Hell, the Sigillium Inquisitionis:

I've never been this deep in hell, and honestly, I don't really feel like this. Especially the Sixth Circle. For those who don't know: The Sixth Circle is the domicile of the Political Office, the inquisitional institution which chases heretics - anyone who deviates from the ideology of hell, by speaking, writing, acting or even thinking. Hell does not tolerate deviationists.

I've no idea what I'm accused of. The letter says "Fraternization with Humans" but I didn't fraternize with anyone in Strasbourg, I did nothing else but staying in the shadow and observing. Maybe it's something I wrote here on this blog? I don't know.


Anyway, I'm in serious trouble.

Chapter 13: On the Gates of Hell

In which we learn why those who enter here are not told to abandon all hope.

I will be sent to Earth in one or two days! Unfortunately I am supposed to buy my own ticket to reality - there is no such thing as "allowable expenses" in hell, at least not for an inferior demon. So I went to the Gates of Hell. If you imagine the Gates as kind of a oversize satanist city gate, you are wrong - they pretty much remind of a huge railway station. Hell Terminal.

(Well, in fact, the Gates of Hell don't remind of anything you know, or anything you might be able to imagine. Nothing down here reminds material objects - this is a world of forms and ideas, remember? But in this blog, I am used to use material approximations to describe immaterial entities: The demon with the broken horn, the soul in a jar... And a railroad station is a good analogy for the Gates of Hell, in both function and ambiance.)

The railway station is divided into two parts: The Soul Station and the Demon Station . Soul Station is the bigger part of it. Trains with cattle wagons full of damned souls come down the slope from reality, the souls are sorted on the platforms according to gravity and nature of their sins, poor desperate shapes, whining and trembling, and then driven into other trains leaving down the pit towards the different circles of Hell. Empty trains come back from the pit and return, without stop, to reality, in order to take new passengers. A perfect machine of damnation, a steady stream of damned souls carried down to eternal pain and despair. Wonderful.

I don't know whether there was ever a place like hell up there in reality. If there was, it's gate might have looked somewhat like the gate of Soul Station:


In the old days, there was an inscription above the entry gate of Soul Station: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." It has been removed. The reason is that the act of abandonning hope produces a considerable amount of energy, and this energy is better extracted in the torture centers where it can be transformed into the vital essence of distilled despair we demons need for living. Nowadays, souls entering here don't even know whether they are in Hell or Purgatory - that's what they learn, slowly and painful, in the torture centers. I have been told that some souls take decades to realize where they really are.

Demon Station is smaller and less organized - in fact, it's kind of a mess. The main hall is full of signs supposed to direct voyagers to customs, platforms, ticket counters, waiting areas etc., but as the administration regularly switches places of the different services, not all signs are up to date and you get easily lost. I spent about a hour finding the ticket counters, then two hours in a waiting line - only to learn that this are the counters for trains going down the pit. The counters for reality are on the other side of the station. After another hour in the line I had to convince a huffy clerk that "Strasbourg, France" actually exists. It took a considerable amount of bribe money to persuade her. Then I had to wait another hour in another line because the ticked had to get sealed. Every ticket has to be sealed, Lucifer knows why. The clerk behind the counter does nothing else than sealing tickets, all day long. Of course, he doesn't do this for free, it costs a random amount depending on his mood and the perceived wealthyness of the client. I wasn't surprised, that's how infenal bureaucracy works.

Anyway, I've got my ticket to reality. Yay !

Intermezzo: Organization of Hell

in which I try to explain how Chaos is organized.

I'm currently occupied with boring paperwork that won't be of any interest for you; but you might wonder how hell is organized. I have drawn you a little diagram to clarify things:
Note that down here, hierarchy goes downwards - so the deeper an entity is on the diagram, the more powerful it is. At the very bottom is, of course, the Antichrist, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies and Lord of Darkness - also known as Satan. Then the organization splits into two parts, commonly known as "Administration" and "Inquisition". The former constitutes the majority of infernal hierarchy, the latter one serves as powerful (and dreaded) control entity.

The schema is, of course, simplified - things are actually more complicated. R&D, for example, responds partially to Inquisition, as they are constantly looking for new ways of temptation, and this has to be "in line" with infernal ideology. The same holds for the marketing department whose objective is to popularize trends and ideologies and on earth that may help our cause, be it faschism, unhealthy beauty ideals or "religiously" motivated homophobia.

Note that all departments are present in different circles of Hell - for example "my" second circle which focusses on the sin of Lust.

Note also that the military is not represented in the diagram, it's organized les "corporate" and more "feudal", each prince pf hell having legions of hell under his order. A side effect of this is that conflicts on "corporate" level are often resolved with military means, internal wars are a daiuly occurence.

Chapter 3: On Inquisition

in which someone sait too much.

The teacher didn't show up this morning. Rumours have it that he has trouble with Infernal Inquisition, for having said that freedom is a gift to humans. Well, if I remember well, he only said that the Enemy pretends that it's a gift- but hey, who cares such details. If Inquisition decides that it's heresy, so be it.

Anyway, management wants us to continue our training "on the field" next week, which means that we will be released somewhere on Earth. Our objective is not to taunt - hey, we didn't even learn yet what's a sin - but simply to watch and learn. In addition, we will get a "political instructor" who will help us alligning our experiences with infernal ideology - building one's own opinion is strongly discouraged down here.

Now please excuse me, I'll have a lot of paperwork to do - being sent to earth is not a picknick in the Soul Park. We'll be sent to earth Baalsday (or maybe Kainsday, I don't know). Can't wait!